A year ago today I was sitting in an appointment when I received a text message from a friend. The moment I read the text I thought my heart stopped. I read it twice, composed myself and replied saying that this joke wasn't funny. Unfortunately, it was far from a joke, tho we both wished it was. Our friend had been in a car accident and had passed away early hours of the morning. I couldn't help but burst into tears right then an there. The person I with was quite shocked, wondering what they had said to upset me so much.
My mother and son came into the appointment and my little boy, who had only just turned one, wrapped his arms around me. He sensed my pain and wanted to comfort me, I tried to smile for him but it didn't happen.
I don't think I stopped crying for a few hours, I was in shock.
The next day I visited her mother. My heart broke. As a mother myself I know how much love I have for my son, words can never express a mothers love for their children. I could only begin to imagine what she was going through in those days. All that can be said is, I would never want to see anyone have to go through what she was going through.
The next week was surreal, friends of Lydia's rallied together to support each other and reached out to people we didn't necessarily know or had spoken to before. I remember feeling so guilty, that my life was moving forward whereas hers had come to an abrupt halt. It didn't seem fair. I was so proud of all of her friends though, the amount of love that was poured out was immense. For a group of 18/19 years olds they stepped up to the plate.
Her funeral was beautiful. Lydia's mum and sister did such an amazing job of the difficult task of putting it together, but it was so true to Lydia. Her favourite colour was on display, songs that made you think of Lydia were being played and the turn out was huge. It was overwhelming the amount of people who showed up in fact. I turned around and saw a sea of people, all there for Lydia.
There was a moment in the service where the lady who was running the ceremony said, 'as we come together for Lydia's special day', I couldn't help but feel cheated. That wasn't meant to be her special day, it should have been her university graduation, or wedding; not this. But there we were, altogether to celebrate the life that she had.
She was an incredible girl, we shared so many memories together. There was a time in high school where we were together every weekend. She definitely taught me how to party, she taught me confidence and how to just be myself and not care about others and their opinions. She was such a compassionate girl, always concerned for the welfare of others both humans and animals. She loved her pups! And she definitely loved her mum and sister. Lydia lived her life with such courage and passion and it showed in everything she did. I was always jealous of her intelligence, we both partied weekends but somehow she'd always get top marks, I still don't know how she did it...
I can honestly say I feel privileged to have known her and to have shared the memories I did with her. We had some great ones, getting lost on the way down south, dancing many nights away, telling her I was pregnant then promptly filling in for her netball team. The talks we had about how amazing it will be to be a mother, and how she loved that she could be the cool Aunt. The last time I saw her she was bringing my sons 1st birthday present she had bought for him. I was exhausted and it wasn't a long visit but she didn't mind, she was always very understanding. She was a true gem.
A year has passed and it still doesn't feel real to me. I have definitely learned some life lessons from Lydia. I cherish the time that I have with people, my family, my friends. She lived her life to the absolute fullest and I try to do this. I make memories with my son, ones that I can show him when he's older. I don't want to waste a day that I get to spend here.
I still think about her all the time, I take inspiration from her life and how she lived it. I find strength in her family, how they've carried themselves with such courage and their heads held high, they are truly incredible. One of Lydia's favourite quotes was,
Dance
Like no one is watching
Love
Like you've never been hurt
Sing
Like no one is listening
Live
Like it's heaven on earth
I know that Lydia lives on in all of us, our loved ones don't go away...they walk beside us everyday. So for now I say goodbye beautiful girl, until we meet again.
So now here I am, trying to live my life as courageous as I can, not taking advantage of the life i've been given. Life really is too short, why waste it. Tonight, just as Lydia would have done, the rules have gone out the window; my little one's sleeping in my bed tonight. He's sleeping like a little angel, with all of his teddies surrounding him. I'll be holding onto him extra tight, cherishing every moment i'm given with him.
Miss Crosby x
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